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free speech by riparii

Literature by Ampata


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Submitted on
July 11, 2012
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Because the ocean was half a world away,
she almost always put a little something in the lemonade.

We would pretend that the suburbs were Paris all summer,
but my feet refused to leave the still frames of reality.

There were secrets the street lights could never reveal,
promises that the girl next door would break.

We were all in tears by September.
She often put a little too much faith in the lemonade.
These days, I feel like we could all use a little something in our beverages. Comments are always welcome. Especially constructive ones. I'm trying to become a good writer after all.
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:iconaumnren:
First off, let me say that the use of couplets here works wonders for the tone. It's like having a four different snapshots, each one building off of the previous one, helping to create a whole image.

I loved the recurring use of 'lemonade' and how, when it is brought up again at the end, it helps reveal the character of the woman in the poem. Along with that, saying that "We would pretend that the suburbs were Paris all summer," also helps to reveal the inner working of the characters: they wish they were somewhere else. Somewhere more glamorous, like Pairs, instead of their boring suburb.

However, the three lines:

"but my feet refused to leave the still frames of reality.

Secrets that the street lights could never reveal.
Promises that the girl next door would break."

are the only ones that become a little less concrete, or character-descriptive than the other images. For instance, saying that "She often put a little too much faith in the lemonade" helps describe the female character's motives and character in the poem, but the three lines I mentioned earlier don't quite hole the same amount of revealing power. We know that there is tension between the male and female characters in the poem, and we know things are probably going to go very badly (with all those secrets and broken promises), but we never really are given access to what those secrets or promises might be. We can guess, sure, but as I was reading, I was left wanting for just a little more information, another small hint in order to open up the conflict between the man and woman and help me understand and sympathize (or empathize) with one of them.

All in all, this is a beautiful poem, with a magnificent title (titles are always hard for me), but I think it needs just a little more revelation about the exact conflict so that we, as readers, can begin to understand the tension more.
What do you think?
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:iconi-am-a-bridgewalker:
i-am-a-bridgewalker Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
there's a quiet matter-of-factness to this that clothes the emotionality in something unexpected. makes it really dynamic and interesting.

the interplay of the (suggestion of) alcohol + faith is a cool "frame" for the piece.

lots of mystery too--the "girl next door," the september tears.

leaves me almost wanting a little more to fill in the lyrical jumps and gaps.
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ah I like the simplicity of it but there is something wonderfully intangible about it.
I especially loved the second stanza.
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:iconspiritduchess:
SpiritDuchess Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012
I like this. It has a nice feel. Perhaps I am swayed by the heat this July day. But it all seems so american dreamish or British yearning (flemish?). Although (I think it is just me) the fourth line hits a little too sharp, this just hits the spot.
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:icondonnierotton:
DonnieRotton Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012   Writer
I love the content and wording, I for one rely on my brands of lemonade rather heavily...
One criticism: Your pacing is a little awkward. I speak my poetry as though I were performing it or speaking about it in earnest, and I do so with other peoples' poetry as well. Couldn't quite get a rhythm for this one.

Keep up the good work, I'll be browsing your other pieces later for sure.
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:iconmeinesehnsucht:
MeineSehnsucht Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012   Writer
Nice read, Tim.
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you!
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:iconmeinesehnsucht:
MeineSehnsucht Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012   Writer
You're welcome. I was pro-Soviets during the Cold War. You?
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:icondarkallegiance666:
darkallegiance666 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012
Concise, succinct yet filled with subtle imagery. The last line brings the poem to a beautifully rounded conclusion as well as providing a link with the first line. Well done!!
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:iconluaraika:
luaraika Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012
Beautiful! I love the rhythm :)
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much :)
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