Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
You went quietly
Like granite with finesse
Days and nights
The come down monster

I had a drink
Six, seven, eight more
Always and sometimes
Completely nothing

The weeks of illness
Before it pulled your eyes shut
No small talk
Just plain, empty time

I walked to the store for smokes
Struggled not to howl
There was fly paper nailed to the register
Legs still moving

And I knew what they were buzzing for
Hell had found you first
Comments welcome.
Add a Comment:
Hello! Bear with me, this is my first critique. This is indeed an interesting poem about the rejection of love and the coping mechanism that follows. I thought the perspective of was quite interesting, the other partner is portrayed as a fancy fly.

Granite finesse suggests a cold stone like quality to the relationship, but also elegance and superiority. I did enjoy that highly. The contrast between the two partners is also made obvious by the actions, one trying to contemplate, the other struggling slowly as well, as though it was a reciprocal relationship. The rhythm and the structure of the piece also fits well to serve this slow transition to recovery from the gradual lengthening of lines.

It took several readings, but eventually I did understand. It's slightly ambiguous though to who is suffering. Both or the one drinking? A kind of hidden struggle trying to come out by portraying the rejection as evil. I do feel that the image of the fly could be expanded more upon. How is the partner like a fly? I am also slightly confused by 'the come down monster'. Overall, this is a fantastic piece with emotions subtly but deeply embedded which portrays what we feel of others.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

I had quiet a hard time getting it down at first, which seems to be the goal of many great poets. It shows the simple words, but behind them lies a much deeper meaning awaiting to be found. Unfortunetly, noone can fully understand what is being said as much as the poet themself. I would be rather interested in learning what precisely you felt/meant when writting this poem.
The imagery was subtle, yet had a quiet, graceful strength behind it. The diction was easy to understand, but created a more complex feel when linked together. Your voice was powerful, and somewhat confused... maybe from the drinks ;) ? Your metaphors are bloody brilliant I must say! What was the intended effect of the fly's legs still moving?
I too must also confess that I am still pondering what is meant by the last line of your first stanza.
All in all your poem was very enjoyable and easy to connect with for many.
And this may be corny... but it reminded me of Haymitch :) The hurt, the pain, the drinking. And the slight undertone of remorse.
Keep on writting!
May the odds be ever in your favor.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! This is a friendly little note to let you know your piece has been featured!: [link]

Please consider taking a peek at the other pieces and faving the article to support the other artists :)
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Student Writer
I like how each stanza has an internal consistency, how each can exist completely within itself. Well done.
static--death Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I have featured you here: [link]
Thank you for being an amazing artist and giving me hope for the future and inspiration. :nod:
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really, really like this. It's kind of chilling, and I love the lack of punctuation but the inclusion of capital letters - just adds something, not sure what. The dying fly is a really, really good metaphor. I'm still not completely understanding what Always and sometimes/Completely nothing means in the context of the poem, but good poems are often a bit tricky to figure out at first glance.
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful throughout.
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! I just wanted to let you know your piece has been featured here: [link]

Keep up the beautiful work!
autumnlit Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012
MeineSehnsucht Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012   Writer
Tim, I just love those first lines 'You went quietly/Like granite with finesse', they're fucking wonderful.
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"You went quietly
Like granite with finesse"

I must admit, the contrast between granite and finesse caught my eye first.
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Whoa. That was not the ending I was waiting for, but it was quite the kicker. Well done, John!
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. Insane. Nicely done.
Safe-As-Houses Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very interesting imagery... Quite haunting. Nicely done.
Van-Dunkelschreiber Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the the ambiance of your poem
gabrielIgnitus Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
spooky tab... the gallows await you?
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Student Writer
hahaha I'll hang for the things I've done. I have no doubts.
gabrielIgnitus Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you'll hang or will be hanged?
StrawberryChewies Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm always so thrilled to your work. :'D I'd critique you, but I'm not a poetry giant, so I wouldn't know what to criticize. xD I'll just say that I think your images and words choices are always very interesting and thought-provoking to me. I can always tell, without even seeing your user, icon, lit. tag, etc. what poem is yours because you have this backbone that is mutual to everything you do (even though you have a variety of emotions in your poems). You don't waste any time once you're into a poem, and I love that. There's always room for thought. (:
I hope you never stop! ;D <3
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much. I always enjoy getting feedback from you. Especially since it always so positive and flattering. Lol I'll try to keep impressing you. :)
StrawberryChewies Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, well, I have to talk about what I love. xD I'm glad it makes you happy. (;
As long as you keep writing, I'll be happy! ;D <3
Add a Comment:

:iconrussiantim: More from RussianTim

Featured in Collections

Words by Bark

The Beauty of Words by leyghan

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
October 2, 2012
File Size
626 bytes


33 (who?)


Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.