Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconrussiantim: More from RussianTim


Featured in Collections

Literature by halcyonshores

Literature by pomohippie7


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
October 13, 2012
File Size
870 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
833
Favourites
52 (who?)
Comments
31

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×
You were the promise of regret,
destiny wrapped in an egg shell,
something that temperance would not allow.

And you looked at me with cloudy eyes,
sipping your excuses while choking on tomorrow.

(We were the privileged few that God chose to endure the hopeless)

And you cursed my name while confessing every lie.
My borders grew as you clawed for the limits of absolution.

(We were the privileged few whose skin was hard to pierce)

And you loaded that gun with false bravado and ill intent.
The world was watching as you aimed it at the future.

(We were the privileged few who never forget to empty the chamber)


And you stared into the nothing, hoping to find me there…
hmmm I don't know. I wasn't in such a good mood when I wrote this. The title means Black Life. Structurally it is slightly different from what I normally do with the couplets and line in parentheses that follows. Overall I'm happy with the piece. As always I appreciate comments and helpful feedback.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconluvthemhungergames:
Hello there :) Thanks for inviting me to critique this poem.

I'd like to start off with my overall thoughts on your poem. It was very moving in the glorious way that dark poetry can be. Lighting up thoughts living in the deepest recess's of our minds. This is deffinelty something that your audience can identify with because it is so open. It isn't a specific situation that you've written about (but surely written on), and leaves it open to the reader's feelings so they can identify it with something in their lives that made them feel similar. This is a great technique to use to creat connections with those that you read.

The diction is just about right. Not to "fluffy" or complex, but just right. It has enough artistic flury to add character and depth to the poem, but not enough to take away from your mesage.

The imagery/vision was good.. not great... but good :) However, in this particular poem I think it would muddle up you poem if you used crystal clear vision due to the fact you are keeping this open.

Hope this helps! If you have any questions, comments, or complaints feel free to elaborate on them! It is often suprising how often the critiquer needs to be critiqued themselves.

Keep on writting! Thanks again ;)

May the odds be ever in your favor.
-LuvThemHungerGames
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconmireilles-epitaph:
Mireilles-epitaph Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Nice job.  I really like it.
Reply
:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Professional Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconthatnamesbeentaken:
thatnamesbeentaken Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013
This is nice. I hardly find poetry I like on this site. I'm glad I came across your work.
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting in its presentation.
Stretching your usual style boundaries is a GOOD thing. :)
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful!
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
Hi! Your wonderful literature has been featured on my Sunday Selects!
[link]
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your language in this is nothing short of stunning, John. That intro, especially, is just gorgeous.
Reply
:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much :)
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. :)
Reply
:iconliuva-lez-heva:
Liuva-Lez-Heva Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I love this piece!
Reply
Add a Comment: