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You were the promise of regret,
destiny wrapped in an egg shell,
something that temperance would not allow.

And you looked at me with cloudy eyes,
sipping your excuses while choking on tomorrow.

(We were the privileged few that God chose to endure the hopeless)

And you cursed my name while confessing every lie.
My borders grew as you clawed for the limits of absolution.

(We were the privileged few whose skin was hard to pierce)

And you loaded that gun with false bravado and ill intent.
The world was watching as you aimed it at the future.

(We were the privileged few who never forget to empty the chamber)


And you stared into the nothing, hoping to find me there…
hmmm I don't know. I wasn't in such a good mood when I wrote this. The title means Black Life. Structurally it is slightly different from what I normally do with the couplets and line in parentheses that follows. Overall I'm happy with the piece. As always I appreciate comments and helpful feedback.
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:iconluvthemhungergames:
Hello there :) Thanks for inviting me to critique this poem.

I'd like to start off with my overall thoughts on your poem. It was very moving in the glorious way that dark poetry can be. Lighting up thoughts living in the deepest recess's of our minds. This is deffinelty something that your audience can identify with because it is so open. It isn't a specific situation that you've written about (but surely written on), and leaves it open to the reader's feelings so they can identify it with something in their lives that made them feel similar. This is a great technique to use to creat connections with those that you read.

The diction is just about right. Not to "fluffy" or complex, but just right. It has enough artistic flury to add character and depth to the poem, but not enough to take away from your mesage.

The imagery/vision was good.. not great... but good :) However, in this particular poem I think it would muddle up you poem if you used crystal clear vision due to the fact you are keeping this open.

Hope this helps! If you have any questions, comments, or complaints feel free to elaborate on them! It is often suprising how often the critiquer needs to be critiqued themselves.

Keep on writting! Thanks again ;)

May the odds be ever in your favor.
-LuvThemHungerGames
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconmireilles-epitaph:
Mireilles-epitaph Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Nice job.  I really like it.
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you :)
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:iconthatnamesbeentaken:
thatnamesbeentaken Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013
This is nice. I hardly find poetry I like on this site. I'm glad I came across your work.
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:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting in its presentation.
Stretching your usual style boundaries is a GOOD thing. :)
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:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful!
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:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
Hi! Your wonderful literature has been featured on my Sunday Selects!
[link]
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your language in this is nothing short of stunning, John. That intro, especially, is just gorgeous.
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you very much :)
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. :)
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:iconliuva-lez-heva:
Liuva-Lez-Heva Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I love this piece!
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
i love that first stanza.
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:iconrebornrebel:
rebornrebel Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
sounds like the breakup i just went through recently
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:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
"(We were the privileged few who God chose to, endure the hopeless)"

What? It doesn't make sense to me. Is this complete? Is the punctuation as intended?
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
I removed the comma. Hopefully the punctuation correction makes things a little more clear. If you are confused by what this line means then I don't know what to tell you. It's not that cryptic.
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:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
It was only confusing because the formerly present comma totally knocked the grammar out of the ballpark of meaningful relevance to the line of thought. <[totally gonzo excess of remark :D ] :)
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:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
I was a bit amazed that 57 groups accepted the submission without asking for a clarification/correction. They probably just didn't look that closely because they're used to your usual excellent standard.
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:iconinkatmidnight:
InkatMidnight Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
"We were the privileged few whose skin was hard to pierce"

i like that image very much. i think you should take that gem and go from there. there's poetry there, itching to become.
:heart:
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:iconamanda-graham:
Amanda-Graham Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Professional Writer
Tim it's lovely.

Observations: the ',' in the internal conversational line "We were the privileged few who God chose to, endure the hopeless" could probably be eliminated. The flow of the work broke on that when I spoke it aloud. Just a thought I know, just a thought.

hmm it is such a startling contrast of setting for me ... it is so very personal yet plural in the (inner descriptions) meh I'm uncertain what I mean to say here, i think in similar ways (me) and (her) and (others) but i enjoy the jar to my perception this places with your (we)s.

(smiles)

Thank you so much for posting it, not only emotional but some challange for my small intelligence this day.

Mandy
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you very much. I'm glad you liked the piece. :)
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:iconreflectionsinwater:
reflectionsinwater Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This does provoke some interesting thoughts. It is slightly different from usual but still quite effective. It's far more direct, but in that directness, there is sophistication with how the structure flows and if you look even closer into the piece. I also feel that '(We were the privileged few who God chose to, endure the hopeless) won't flow well, even if it is deliberate. Still, very nice as usual :)
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:iconlivinglifeoutloud:
livinglifeoutloud Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
I really like this. lots of mystery and different interpretations possible. very thought provoking :clap: bravo!!
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks :)
Reply
:iconkrutch99:
krutch99 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I love when people criticize a piece of art just to feel like experts and then you look at their galleries and there's nothing there. I think this piece is great, I like the imagery and the different structure, art is about experimenting.
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks man. I appreciate the comment. Just kinda have to laugh at people like that and shrug it off.
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:iconultramarine7:
Ultramarine7 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Stunning, as usual. One question: in the last line, did you mean "stared" instead of "starred?"
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you for that kind comment. And yeah I meant stared. Thanks for catching that typo :)
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:icondarkallegiance666:
darkallegiance666 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
Excellent work!!
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:iconrussiantim:
RussianTim Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconwordweight:
WordWeight Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
Interesting idea. Not like your usual indeed.

Not sure but these lines:

"And you cursed my name while confessing every lie.
My borders grew as you clawed for the limits of absolution."

just don't sit well to me. Other then that, it was a good poem :)
Reply
:iconarachnowolf:
ArachnoWolf Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I like it :)
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:iconlightning-powered:
Lightning-Powered Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Professional General Artist
The beginning was good, but not so much on the rest. Still it was a great try at different structures.
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